There’s No Hiding In Healing
2020 Process NotesI’ve written 4 drafts of this so far, each time I sit to write it I’m in a different place in my journey. I feel this is the one though:
My medium is singing, song-writing, and movement. After vowing to only be around those who make me feel seen, I learned that inorder for me to feel seen by others, I have to feel heard. I have to feel like my words are processed and understood. One does not necessarily have to agree with me, but just take a second to understand my side . I also feel seen when I feel like someone knows me and certain things do not require explanation. They know my story, know my heart, so they know my voice.
I finished my therapy session this week feeling seen. Seen by my therapist and most importantly seen by myself. In my journey to be an amazing therapist and healing assistant, I’ve been on a voyage to heal a sister. I’m the sister! I don’t identify as a healer, I feel that in order for one to heal, they have to put some work in; people heal themselves with the help and guidance of others.
I’ve been in therapy for quite some time unlearning and undoing rules and concepts that have progressively made me smaller throughout the years. Rules that say I’m aggressive because I’m a Black Womxn or that because I’m a Black Womxn I don’t deserve to be where I am today. Everyday I’m realizing dangerous false truths that I have unconsciously accepted as my truth. These undercover spurious truths have caused inner conflict and have caused me to invalidate myself and feelings.
Some of the false truths I’ve had to throw out were silly and they even sounded innocent but were very harmful to me and my relationships. False truths are sometimes more difficult to shake. Even me writing about them is bringing me SO much anger. Anger because the people who dropped these into my mind and spirit have been people I’ve known my whole life,people I love dearly. Coming to terms with people I love implanting false truths that have brought me so much negativity and hurt into my life, is extremely sobering.
Realizing these false narratives, as hard as it was, has been monumental in my journey to feeling seen. It became so clear to me that I had internalized other people’s voices so much that it had taken the shape and sound of my own. It made me doubt myself, it made me question myself, and made me tell myself I wasn’t seeing shit I knew DAMN well I was seeing. It made me a huge perpetrator to myself and someone high on my “people who make me feel unseen list”.
So, what am I willing to do? I am willing to heal and help others heal. Especially Black Womxn. I am willing to see myself and make sure everyone else sees me too. I am willing to REALLY SEE myself. I am willing to see the good, the bad, the ugly; accept all parts of me, fear free. I am willing to ask that folks see ALL parts of me too. Cuz y’all gon’ get this Black Girl Magic and This Black Girl is here to Change Worlds.
I decided to use a medium that has always made me feel heard, my voice. My lyrics have always resonated with folks and being blessed with the ability to sing, has allowed me to draw people into listening to me. I wanted to use this project to share my story and to validate the feelings of womxn. I also wanted the project to be away for people to see me some more!
I want Black Womxn to know:
I see you.